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Aoccdrnig to a rsceearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
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The Best Blonde Joke in the World
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An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. Whilst in a sports shop, the son picks up an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car, heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie b@$!@£ds." ----------------------------------------------- |
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Morning PoemI woke early one morning,The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, Crept slowly out of bed, Then gently shut the window And crushed his !@£$%&* head. I'm not a morning person. ----------------------------------------------- |
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Question: Do you still miss your ex-husband? Answer: Yes, but my aim's improving all the time. ----------------------------------------------- |
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"Darling, I missed you!" she said, and fired again. ----------------------------------------------- |
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Below is a letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, heretofore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client ----------------------------------------------- |
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Ref: EU.DOC/SER/3/92/EU Notice to Employees of Government Departments in all Member States of the EU. PHASED INTRODUCTION OF A PAN EUROPEAN STANDARD FOR END USERS COMMUNICATION Having chosen English as the preferred language of the European Union, the European Parliament, on behalf of the German Federal Government, has commissioned a feasibility study into ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government Departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult: for example; 'cough', 'plough', 'rough', 'through' and 'thorough'. Clearly, what is needed is a planned programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would of course be administered by a committee staffed at top level by all participating countries. In the first year, for example, the committee suggests using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k', sinse both letters are pronounced alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but keyboards could be made with one letter fewer. There would be growing enthusiasm when, in the sekond year, it was announced that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be replaced with 'f'. This would make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kould be expekted to reatsh the stage where more komplikated khanges are possible. Governments would encourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre the horible mes of silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful. Therefore we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapened. By this tim it would b four years sins the skhem began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' with 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould b taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, unesesary 'o' kuld b droped from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors b aplied to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proces yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventy yers zer vud b no mor trublsum difikultiz and everivon vud find it ezi to understand eitsh ozer.
Zen ze dremz of ze Germans vud finali hav kum tru.
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